scribbles

(note: i was going through my notebook and found some poetry attempts which i wrote when i was all alone at yellow haus...this was before our break up.)

UNTITLED

I do not know how to make you miss me...
I do not know how to make you fall again...
I just couldn't push you
nor persuade you
For you heart is troubled
And you don't want me to bother.

It's hard for me to live like this
But God know how much I've done
Just to keep this small lit candle
Burn with much vigor
For the wind had tried its might
And the rain had poured a bucket

I know this has turned into nothing but
just an ordinary one
you could no longer see how beautiful it is
You could no longer see how beautiful
our small lit candle burned...

However, I remain faithful and
I still get my warmth from this candle
Time will come when I too would lose my faith
Time will come when I would no longer burn a new candle
For it would only hurt to see
a small lit candle lose its light and die.


(UNTITLED)

You are teaching me how to love myself...
YOu are teaching me how to loosen our ties...
With a cigar on my hand
and a cup of coffee on the other
I can't help but think it all over...

What if time would come
when I would no longer need you in my life?
Would you try and run after me?
Or would you be glad and have a party?

Our future is quite uncertain, I can say.
From the start we knew all this might fade away.

I wouldn't want that to happen though.
For I would want to spend my whole life
within your comforting arms and open heart
coz
I love you so much...
So much that even I could not know the reason why.

Just don't loosen our ties like this
for someone might snatch me away

I may not be your princess
But you are my prince
And it would totally break my heart
If I would only end up as your mistress

(UNTITLED)

I smell the rain...
I felt its drizzle...
But still you are not here...
Still I am all alone...

I should've known that you wouldn't come
But still my optimism persisted.
I shouldn't have called you
for my heart yearned for your presence
making me feel your absence
a bit mor pronounced and hurtful.

I knew I couldn't count on you...
But I do know that you still love me too.

Just don't overdo it love.
Just don't overdo your detachment...
coz if this would continue...
I might break down and be forced
to find another.

Such time is what you seek...
Such time would bring music to your feet...

Let's just hope that when it would happen
It wouldn't be too late
for you to realize my importance
And see that our love was you life
that our love was what your soul wanted
all this time...

fucking hurts

after the break up... what's next? life? what would be in it? friends? work? family? what about yourself? what happens to you? sad? alone? depressed? how would you stop hurting? hide the pain and laugh a lot? not mind your recent ex? what if you can't take it...and you really miss him? do you text him? do you call? what if he doesn't answer? would you get hurt more? how long does it take for you to stop thinking that it was just nothing and you'd get back tomorrow? if not tomorrow, then the following day? next week? next month? next year? how do you stop your hurting? flirt with some other guy? date around? but would that still be easy when you're still inlove with your recent x? wouldn't that be cheating yourself? do you think that he's missing you too? how could you stop yourself from thinking that while you are writing this blog at 3:10am, he's actually hugging another warm body beside him? how could you handle work-related stress and personal hurt at the same time? do you just get a blade and physically wound yourself to divert your attention? do you take a shower just to awaken your confused senses? what if he really meant it that he doesn't know if he still loves you? what if there will be no second chances? what if whenever he'd see you or he'd receive a message from you he'd just laugh at it or worse erase it without even reading it? what if GOD did intentionally confuse his mind to make your second chance to love stronger and could be for the future? what if there's no GOD? or what if GOD just decided to confuse his mind just to make you suffer and then wouldn't give you any more chance to love? would you be selfish and fuck around? would you start living a "bachelor's" life fucking around?
so many possibilities and questions and realities... i'm so worn out right now. i just need a hug from him. i miss him so much. i'm so fucked up right now. i can't look at him. i can't face him. i can't talk to him. i don't even acknowledge him. but when pain hits me, i succumb to my weakness and text him. tell him i love him. tell him i'm tired and i need his hug. i am weak. i am weak. i am weak coz i love him. i'm trying to be strong... but i need him. i do. i'm so fucked up. i'm stupid and stubborn. i'm stupid and stubborn. i'm stupid and stubborn coz i'm still in love with him. fuck this.

wrecked brain

too much editing wrecked my brain... totally!

i left the office early (5pm) and went on to have a beer with my friend may2x at mts.
after one beer, i had to leave and meet up with bea for another "misery loves company" sessions... hehe..
but wait... pag-abot nako sa kanto sa mts... nakalimot ko nga wala pa ko nakabayad sa akong ber. SO I RAN BACK AND ACCEPT THE EMBARASSMENT. gibayaran nako akong ber.
so, okay na.
(fast forward) I didn't have dinner yet. So, bea decided that we'd eat dinner first... but it ended up nga ako lang ang nagdinner kay siya nikaon ra sa iyang cupcake nga hinatag sa iyang friend.

(forward) busog na. so, we headed on to gaisano mall. pagpadulong namo didto, nibuto ang fuse sa poste. no power ang mall. so, we were confused where to go next. so, I decided why not go to Rizal. so ayun, nagjeep.

(forward) we were already half kilometer away. bea's phone rings... i had a lightbulb moment: ting! i forgot to pay sa carinderia. hahahaha.. hilarious! kaulaw! carinderia gi-one two three! hahaha... we were so far away na gyud so it would be a waste to go back and regain our dignity as good citizens of this country... so i decided i'll just go back tomorrow and apologize and pay my bill. case solved..for now.

(forward) my battery got drained while we were still in the middle of our chika... so, i told her: ff, i will not expect nga when i get home and charge my phone, makadawat kog delayed text gikan niya... thus, we ended up saying, "ana gyud na, it hurts pero sige lang...

(forward) balay na ko. happy coz i had three beers for the night and a good conversation with my ff. so, i opened my bag to get my charger. checked the first zipper, it wasn't there...checked the second one...not there either.. lightbulb moment: ting! i left it at the office! hahahahaa... so, my mobile phone is dead til tomorrow. i called up our office and asked our lobby guard if someone surrendered a charger...negative. so, i asked him to transfer my call to our department or to our editing room 4. no answer. he then took my call and told me he found it already..."kuhaa lang diri ugma nitz." "salamat kuya".

...grabe! wat a day. so, stressful! hahaha... =p

AFTER THIS.

I'D THINK TWICE ON FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN.

don't want to

don't want to go back to how i was before...alone.cold.sad.
probably this is an effect of my lola's burial. My lolo and lola, Antonio and Baldomera, were soulmates. They'd sing duets and they were successful in rearing all of their 11 children. Whenever I'd visit their house, they were so sweet and loving. My lolo was the natural joker and lola was the natural singer. I learned of their love story from my lolo when we had a heart-to-heart talk years ago. Whenever they dated, they had to be accompanied by a chaperone. They couldn't even hold hands. It was really like the classic panliligaw that we see and hear in the media. Then lolo told me that he would walk a long way just to visit lola. And true enough their love bore 12 kids, one died when he was still a baby. When lolo Tonyo died, lola always asked when would 'papa' come home... now, she's reunited with lolo. They are now together again to fulfill their journey as lovers.

Growing up with this kind of love in the family taught me how to yearn for my one great, big love. Especially with how my mom and dad remains faithful, loving, sweet, generous, caring, thoughtful and patient with their forced separation (due to practicality, Tatay's in Qatar as OFW) now for approximately 15 years, I myself couldn't just surrender on love and its beauty.

Now, I am in love. So in love that some friends are bothered with my situation. There are times though that their comments made me think and examine our status quo. However, my love for my love still remains in me. Not because I am afraid to be single again, but because if I'd let go, I might lose this love for nothing. When one is weak, the other should be strong. I am weak yet I try to be strong...for my love... for myself... for us. The values of love which I have nurtured are certainly at work because I believe in our love for each other.
Although, I am also preparing myself for an ugly and bleak future because if I wouldn't do so, I might end up ruined and distraught. I wouldn't want that when that time would come, it would also be the end of my faith in love. I am afraid that I might end up with a heart as cold as steel and as numb as ice...a nonbeliever of love, relationships, and commitments. I don't want that time will come when I wouldn't believe in hugs and kisses. And I don't want to go back to how i was before...alone.cold.sad

sad

we buried lola this afternoon. the sad part is my dad wasn't there. he was the only one among the 11 children of my grandparents who was not present. he's still in qatar. he's there all alone. mourning. we, my mom and i, whenever tatay would call, we'd always act strong and try to look at the comic side of the story. ana man jud pirmi ang mga cuizon. we're a funny and comic bunch. this time, we just want to be strong for him. we have to stay strong for him. when we talked over the phone last night, he told me that if there'd be a chance for him to earn here in Davao, he'd instantly leave Qatar for he said he would die there. "Kung si lola pa nimo nak, mamatay ka nga walay samad" Then I responded by reminding him of our country's economy and that even the US has an unstable swing in their economy. "Mao na tay dinha na lagi ta sa Middle East kay naa diha ang oil. hehehe..." I love my dad so much coz he loves us so much. It just hurts, now that I'm mature enough, to share the burden with my mom knowing that tatay could have been here. He could have been here if only our country was stable. If only our country could provide well for every family. I told tatay that night not to worry, coz atleast before lola left this world, she was able to see him through me since I'm a 'photocopy' of my dad.
And I also told him that I whispered to lola when she died that tatay loves him so much, and sorry that he can't be here kay nagtrabaho pa man siya. I miss tatay.
I miss lola. I know someday all of us would be reunited in God's time.

4 points

it was just a phone call... and it ended up as my wake up call in the middle of the night...
jan made me realize my attitude problem...
it was embarrasing and painful to hear yet it made me feel a whole lot better.
ana siya:

1) ikaw ba dili gyud ka madala ug joke.
2) judgmental ka
3) mao na ang problema nimo kay lisod ka pasabton...
4) mao na nga naga-away mo coz you argue about petty things which causes unnecessary stress...

I realized... tama siya.

All my teenage years, I have been raised and brought up by my mom in a conservative way... She taught me how to be strong in dealing with life.
however, it wasn't easy to keep my values in when everyone pushes you around.
It wasn't easy to live my life while dealing with the pressures and interpersonal problems that I had... I had to deal with pain, rejection and ridicule...
I had to stand strong and proud even if my sleeves were all tattered and ripped off... I had to build my ego from something which I do not know. I had to remain untouchable while tagging along with the changes that were transforming me and my peers into "grown ups".

I had to deal with everything on my own. My friends were there but in the end I had to sort things out and carry on with whatever I had. My family was there as a support...however, I still had to do things by my own means.

Probably, I must have gotten confused with my tactics coz they must have been mixed and mismatched throughout my developing years.
Probably, now that I have reached this age, I am still using my bulok ways on handling life.
Probably, deep down I am still immature and frustrated.

I don't know what to do about this.
"...it's more difficult to trim a grown tree coz the branches are harder and the stem is much wider."

Probably it was so easy for jan to be frank and straightforward about it coz we aren't really super close biased friends... we have a sorta thing in between but at that moment there was no bias for me... but just plain truth squeezed out of anger and wits(ayaw na pangutana ngano siya nasuko).

4 slaps to my face. 4 hits to my ego. 4 points to ponder. 4 reasons to step back and cry for help.
i hope and pray that i could do something about it...or that someone would guide me through as if I was a blind person.
coz if i wouldn't be able to change these things, I wouldn't be able to fully mature.
I would just be another failure in this lifetime who would end up as a frustrated man whose soul would float in the eternal abyss of purgatory.

busy working... busy relaxing...

nothing beats an afternoon coffee with yosi, phones on the ready and a laptop with wi fi connection...

so great to be here in YELLOW HAUZ...

lovin' it.

Baldomera L. Cuizon

she loves us...

she loves lolo...

she loves all of her children...

she loves all of her apo... including me.

when i was still a kid, we always had coffee and loaf bread for merienda. It was always me, lolo and lola. It was just our moment together.
And when it would be time for me to go home she would always reach for her pockets and give me baon. I'd thank her and kiss her cheek. As I go down the stairs, she would always shout, "Panguros sa dong." And I'd smile and do the sign of the cross. There were times when she didn't have money with her, she'd always apologize to me and say "utang na lang sa dong...sunod na lang ha?" And the next time, she'd sometimes double my baon para pangtapal sa iyang utang. It was always our routine...
However, time came when she didn't have money anymore. She'd still walk me to the door and she'd reach into her pocket but then to her disappointment wala nay sulod iyang bulsa... she'd smile at me and say "pasensya na dong ha kay wa man koy kwarta diri ron..." I knew it made her feel bad... I too felt bad for her. I'd smile and tell her that it's okay...
Then time came when she couldn't walk around anymore...when she had to rely on someone to push her wheelchair... when her memory slowly faded away...
Then lolo died... even with her alzheimer she'd still look for lolo... she'd ask us when would lolo come home... she loves lolo so much... it's just a blessing that her alzheimer made it easy for her not to feel the pain of losing her beloved.
....
Last Tuesday, my aunts brought her to the hospital just to have her checked. Simpleng ubo ra gud to. After her x-ray, she was immediately admitted. Doctors found some doubtful figures on her x-ray and wanted her to be CT scanned. When I received my mom's txt nga nahospital si lola, nibisita dayon ko pagka gabi-i. Ako siya giingnan napud nga "diba bestfriends man mo ni Mama Mary? Ingna na siya ha nga ayohon na ka..."

This wasn't the first time she was admitted to the hospital. I guess it was the third time. The first time was when she had fever. The second time was when she slipped---Kato iya pagka hospital ako siya gibinuangan...while she was asleep i told her "diba bestfriends man mo ni Mama Mary? Ingna na siya nga 'bestfriend ayoha na ko'"---

Karon, iya third time ata... tungod lang sa "gahi nga ubo"...
She was scanned on Oct. 2 and they found out she had CANCER in her chest area. The doctor didn't want to do tests on lola coz it would be painful for her... the doctor just said that we'd pray that she'd leave peacefully. WE couldn't agree more. That night, it was nanay and norman's turn to visit...
The following day, I went out of the office early and went to the hospital. When I went there lola was sleeping. The doctor gave her a sedative. She had been sleeping since lunch and it was already past 6pm. All of us in the room went on with our businesses. I had to contact my officemates for our upcoming shoots and my aunt was with a friend chatting. Everyone was quite busy.
Before my aunt left the room, she reminded "Inday",yaya ni lola, nga dili kalimot ug pakilid kay lola para dili siya magka bedsore. So at 8pm we moved her. Now she was facing on my side. Nakamata pa gani to siya. Then she just went back to sleep.
I kept on looking at her. She was lying still but I can still see that her pulse on her neck was still active. Lola's alive.
After a while when I looked back...wa naman ang iyang pulso sa li-og galihok.
I stood up beside her and told Inday nga i-move daw iya neck day ato siyang tarongon ug plastar. Then I held her hand. It was already cold. I kept calm. I checked her pulse sa iya braso dapit...wa man koy makita nga pulso... kalma lang ko. I placed my hand on her chest to feel her heartbeat but there was none. I kept calm. I placed my fingers under her nose to check if she was still breathing...wa naman koy mafeel... But whenever I look at her it's as if my mind was playing a trick on me nga mura ra siyag gaginhawa nga natulog... So I went to the nurse station, "Palihog ko ug check sa heartbeat sa akong lola"

Two nurses went...ang usa nagBP kay lola ang usa nagStethoscope... I knew that they too had difficulty looking for a pulse... I knew the other one couldn't hear any heartbeat...
"Could you please call a doctor now..."
In a while, nagrush na ang mga nurses... niabot ang mga doctor... Inday started to cry... I kept calm... Akong ante nihilak na... They did the cpr...
"Ayaw na please... ayaw na..."

wala na gipahilabtan pa sa akong usa ka ante si lola... "let her be..."
wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...

mingaw... tawag dayon sa iyang mga igsoon sila ante... i called my mom and told her to inform my dad nga naa sa layo... dayon ako gitawagan ako labs...

wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...

nitawag ako tatay sa ako ante... gipasa sa ako ang phone... i heard him cry... i heard his pain... then iya dayon gibutang kay dili niya gusto nga makadungog ko nga gahilak siya..
i felt bad for my dad... nihilak na ko ug maayo...
.....
gi-ubanan nako si lola hangtod sa morgue... it pains me nga akong lola gipilitan lang ug papel... morgue sheet.. shit! kalagot! sakit!
....
karon naa na siya sa COSMO nga punerarya...
....
karon naa na siya uban ni lolo...
unta happy na sila...
lola i love you...
regards na lang ko kay lolo tonyo ug lolo nito ha?
....
love you lola... thank you for bringing tatay into this world... thank you kay imo ko ginahilot tung-una... thank you sa imong mga kisses... thank you sa imo pagremind nako nga naa ra ang Ginoo... thank you for loving me... thank you nga imo kong gipalangga ug pag-ayo... salamat kaayo.