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a man who knows he has a lot to offer yet holds back

Monday, October 6, 2008

4 points

it was just a phone call... and it ended up as my wake up call in the middle of the night...
jan made me realize my attitude problem...
it was embarrasing and painful to hear yet it made me feel a whole lot better.
ana siya:

1) ikaw ba dili gyud ka madala ug joke.
2) judgmental ka
3) mao na ang problema nimo kay lisod ka pasabton...
4) mao na nga naga-away mo coz you argue about petty things which causes unnecessary stress...

I realized... tama siya.

All my teenage years, I have been raised and brought up by my mom in a conservative way... She taught me how to be strong in dealing with life.
however, it wasn't easy to keep my values in when everyone pushes you around.
It wasn't easy to live my life while dealing with the pressures and interpersonal problems that I had... I had to deal with pain, rejection and ridicule...
I had to stand strong and proud even if my sleeves were all tattered and ripped off... I had to build my ego from something which I do not know. I had to remain untouchable while tagging along with the changes that were transforming me and my peers into "grown ups".

I had to deal with everything on my own. My friends were there but in the end I had to sort things out and carry on with whatever I had. My family was there as a support...however, I still had to do things by my own means.

Probably, I must have gotten confused with my tactics coz they must have been mixed and mismatched throughout my developing years.
Probably, now that I have reached this age, I am still using my bulok ways on handling life.
Probably, deep down I am still immature and frustrated.

I don't know what to do about this.
"...it's more difficult to trim a grown tree coz the branches are harder and the stem is much wider."

Probably it was so easy for jan to be frank and straightforward about it coz we aren't really super close biased friends... we have a sorta thing in between but at that moment there was no bias for me... but just plain truth squeezed out of anger and wits(ayaw na pangutana ngano siya nasuko).

4 slaps to my face. 4 hits to my ego. 4 points to ponder. 4 reasons to step back and cry for help.
i hope and pray that i could do something about it...or that someone would guide me through as if I was a blind person.
coz if i wouldn't be able to change these things, I wouldn't be able to fully mature.
I would just be another failure in this lifetime who would end up as a frustrated man whose soul would float in the eternal abyss of purgatory.


Aiken said...

dili nitz, o.a ra jud ka!

O.A.K.O. said...


Verna T.S. said...

ahaha. ai nitz.. we're are all those 4. you dunhav to be hard on yourself. and aiken~~ bow! haha.

you commented on my unattended blog. get back to my justgotlost.blogspot.com. that's where everybody is.