Baldomera L. Cuizon

she loves us...

she loves lolo...

she loves all of her children...

she loves all of her apo... including me.

when i was still a kid, we always had coffee and loaf bread for merienda. It was always me, lolo and lola. It was just our moment together.
And when it would be time for me to go home she would always reach for her pockets and give me baon. I'd thank her and kiss her cheek. As I go down the stairs, she would always shout, "Panguros sa dong." And I'd smile and do the sign of the cross. There were times when she didn't have money with her, she'd always apologize to me and say "utang na lang sa dong...sunod na lang ha?" And the next time, she'd sometimes double my baon para pangtapal sa iyang utang. It was always our routine...
However, time came when she didn't have money anymore. She'd still walk me to the door and she'd reach into her pocket but then to her disappointment wala nay sulod iyang bulsa... she'd smile at me and say "pasensya na dong ha kay wa man koy kwarta diri ron..." I knew it made her feel bad... I too felt bad for her. I'd smile and tell her that it's okay...
Then time came when she couldn't walk around anymore...when she had to rely on someone to push her wheelchair... when her memory slowly faded away...
Then lolo died... even with her alzheimer she'd still look for lolo... she'd ask us when would lolo come home... she loves lolo so much... it's just a blessing that her alzheimer made it easy for her not to feel the pain of losing her beloved.
....
Last Tuesday, my aunts brought her to the hospital just to have her checked. Simpleng ubo ra gud to. After her x-ray, she was immediately admitted. Doctors found some doubtful figures on her x-ray and wanted her to be CT scanned. When I received my mom's txt nga nahospital si lola, nibisita dayon ko pagka gabi-i. Ako siya giingnan napud nga "diba bestfriends man mo ni Mama Mary? Ingna na siya ha nga ayohon na ka..."

This wasn't the first time she was admitted to the hospital. I guess it was the third time. The first time was when she had fever. The second time was when she slipped---Kato iya pagka hospital ako siya gibinuangan...while she was asleep i told her "diba bestfriends man mo ni Mama Mary? Ingna na siya nga 'bestfriend ayoha na ko'"---

Karon, iya third time ata... tungod lang sa "gahi nga ubo"...
She was scanned on Oct. 2 and they found out she had CANCER in her chest area. The doctor didn't want to do tests on lola coz it would be painful for her... the doctor just said that we'd pray that she'd leave peacefully. WE couldn't agree more. That night, it was nanay and norman's turn to visit...
The following day, I went out of the office early and went to the hospital. When I went there lola was sleeping. The doctor gave her a sedative. She had been sleeping since lunch and it was already past 6pm. All of us in the room went on with our businesses. I had to contact my officemates for our upcoming shoots and my aunt was with a friend chatting. Everyone was quite busy.
Before my aunt left the room, she reminded "Inday",yaya ni lola, nga dili kalimot ug pakilid kay lola para dili siya magka bedsore. So at 8pm we moved her. Now she was facing on my side. Nakamata pa gani to siya. Then she just went back to sleep.
I kept on looking at her. She was lying still but I can still see that her pulse on her neck was still active. Lola's alive.
After a while when I looked back...wa naman ang iyang pulso sa li-og galihok.
I stood up beside her and told Inday nga i-move daw iya neck day ato siyang tarongon ug plastar. Then I held her hand. It was already cold. I kept calm. I checked her pulse sa iya braso dapit...wa man koy makita nga pulso... kalma lang ko. I placed my hand on her chest to feel her heartbeat but there was none. I kept calm. I placed my fingers under her nose to check if she was still breathing...wa naman koy mafeel... But whenever I look at her it's as if my mind was playing a trick on me nga mura ra siyag gaginhawa nga natulog... So I went to the nurse station, "Palihog ko ug check sa heartbeat sa akong lola"

Two nurses went...ang usa nagBP kay lola ang usa nagStethoscope... I knew that they too had difficulty looking for a pulse... I knew the other one couldn't hear any heartbeat...
"Could you please call a doctor now..."
In a while, nagrush na ang mga nurses... niabot ang mga doctor... Inday started to cry... I kept calm... Akong ante nihilak na... They did the cpr...
"Ayaw na please... ayaw na..."

wala na gipahilabtan pa sa akong usa ka ante si lola... "let her be..."
wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...

mingaw... tawag dayon sa iyang mga igsoon sila ante... i called my mom and told her to inform my dad nga naa sa layo... dayon ako gitawagan ako labs...

wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...
wala na si lola...

nitawag ako tatay sa ako ante... gipasa sa ako ang phone... i heard him cry... i heard his pain... then iya dayon gibutang kay dili niya gusto nga makadungog ko nga gahilak siya..
i felt bad for my dad... nihilak na ko ug maayo...
.....
gi-ubanan nako si lola hangtod sa morgue... it pains me nga akong lola gipilitan lang ug papel... morgue sheet.. shit! kalagot! sakit!
....
karon naa na siya sa COSMO nga punerarya...
....
karon naa na siya uban ni lolo...
unta happy na sila...
lola i love you...
regards na lang ko kay lolo tonyo ug lolo nito ha?
....
love you lola... thank you for bringing tatay into this world... thank you kay imo ko ginahilot tung-una... thank you sa imong mga kisses... thank you sa imo pagremind nako nga naa ra ang Ginoo... thank you for loving me... thank you nga imo kong gipalangga ug pag-ayo... salamat kaayo.