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a man who knows he has a lot to offer yet holds back

Saturday, October 11, 2008

don't want to

don't want to go back to how i was before...alone.cold.sad.
probably this is an effect of my lola's burial. My lolo and lola, Antonio and Baldomera, were soulmates. They'd sing duets and they were successful in rearing all of their 11 children. Whenever I'd visit their house, they were so sweet and loving. My lolo was the natural joker and lola was the natural singer. I learned of their love story from my lolo when we had a heart-to-heart talk years ago. Whenever they dated, they had to be accompanied by a chaperone. They couldn't even hold hands. It was really like the classic panliligaw that we see and hear in the media. Then lolo told me that he would walk a long way just to visit lola. And true enough their love bore 12 kids, one died when he was still a baby. When lolo Tonyo died, lola always asked when would 'papa' come home... now, she's reunited with lolo. They are now together again to fulfill their journey as lovers.

Growing up with this kind of love in the family taught me how to yearn for my one great, big love. Especially with how my mom and dad remains faithful, loving, sweet, generous, caring, thoughtful and patient with their forced separation (due to practicality, Tatay's in Qatar as OFW) now for approximately 15 years, I myself couldn't just surrender on love and its beauty.

Now, I am in love. So in love that some friends are bothered with my situation. There are times though that their comments made me think and examine our status quo. However, my love for my love still remains in me. Not because I am afraid to be single again, but because if I'd let go, I might lose this love for nothing. When one is weak, the other should be strong. I am weak yet I try to be strong...for my love... for myself... for us. The values of love which I have nurtured are certainly at work because I believe in our love for each other.
Although, I am also preparing myself for an ugly and bleak future because if I wouldn't do so, I might end up ruined and distraught. I wouldn't want that when that time would come, it would also be the end of my faith in love. I am afraid that I might end up with a heart as cold as steel and as numb as ice...a nonbeliever of love, relationships, and commitments. I don't want that time will come when I wouldn't believe in hugs and kisses. And I don't want to go back to how i was before...alone.cold.sad

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