fucking hurts

after the break up... what's next? life? what would be in it? friends? work? family? what about yourself? what happens to you? sad? alone? depressed? how would you stop hurting? hide the pain and laugh a lot? not mind your recent ex? what if you can't take it...and you really miss him? do you text him? do you call? what if he doesn't answer? would you get hurt more? how long does it take for you to stop thinking that it was just nothing and you'd get back tomorrow? if not tomorrow, then the following day? next week? next month? next year? how do you stop your hurting? flirt with some other guy? date around? but would that still be easy when you're still inlove with your recent x? wouldn't that be cheating yourself? do you think that he's missing you too? how could you stop yourself from thinking that while you are writing this blog at 3:10am, he's actually hugging another warm body beside him? how could you handle work-related stress and personal hurt at the same time? do you just get a blade and physically wound yourself to divert your attention? do you take a shower just to awaken your confused senses? what if he really meant it that he doesn't know if he still loves you? what if there will be no second chances? what if whenever he'd see you or he'd receive a message from you he'd just laugh at it or worse erase it without even reading it? what if GOD did intentionally confuse his mind to make your second chance to love stronger and could be for the future? what if there's no GOD? or what if GOD just decided to confuse his mind just to make you suffer and then wouldn't give you any more chance to love? would you be selfish and fuck around? would you start living a "bachelor's" life fucking around?
so many possibilities and questions and realities... i'm so worn out right now. i just need a hug from him. i miss him so much. i'm so fucked up right now. i can't look at him. i can't face him. i can't talk to him. i don't even acknowledge him. but when pain hits me, i succumb to my weakness and text him. tell him i love him. tell him i'm tired and i need his hug. i am weak. i am weak. i am weak coz i love him. i'm trying to be strong... but i need him. i do. i'm so fucked up. i'm stupid and stubborn. i'm stupid and stubborn. i'm stupid and stubborn coz i'm still in love with him. fuck this.